Esports Express

Local Schoolyard Bully Starts CS:GO Gambling Website

The Internet is teaching our children how to do awesome things.

Take, for example, Jake Bell of Louisville, Kentucky. The young lad — only twelve years old — had grown tired of beating his classmates for their lunch money. Seeking a more efficient method of extracting money from his fellow children, Jake started his very own Counter-Strike: Global Offensive betting site.

“I came up with the idea after I tried to steal Jimmy’s weekly allowance of lunch money. I like to collect it on Monday so that Jimmy has nothing to eat the entire week,” said Jake, the young entrepreneur. “However, it turns out that Jimmy was already starving himself, so that he could spend all of his lunch money on CSGO Lotto.”

Gambling websites like Jake’s, have the support of many institutions in Counter-Strike esports. Electronic Sports League is known to promote betting sites, letting people know that there are esports organizations even shadier than ESL. However, CS:GO gambling has also received criticism from both inside and outside of esports.

“Not only is CS:GO riddled with gambling sites, but the game itself is a massive online casino,” said Eben Novy-Williams, Bloomberg writer and actual name. “Weapon drops are much like the lottery. Crate unlocks are a lot like a roulette wheel. Ranked games are a lot like the poker game in Casino Royale, because everyone is playing like an idiot and the weird Slavic guy is cheating.”

“We don’t need to regulate so-called ‘gambling’ websites, because skins aren’t money,” stated Valve CEO Gabe Newell. “I mean, if you fix a match in order to earn skins, we won’t hesitate to ban you forever and ruthlessly destroy your careers. But skins aren’t money.”

In the meantime, Jake Bell’s website is massively popular among his classmates, and looks to stay that way for quite some time.

“My teachers always tell me that I shouldn’t bully others,” said Jake. “But Tmartn and many other CS:GO people have shown me that even when I’m an adult, I can bully a lot and make tons of money from it.”

“I hope I can be mean to people forever,” he added, optimistically.


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