Dota 2 Event Organizer “Cold War” Begins

 
NATO analysts have warned that the recent announcement of ESL One Frankfurt has stimulated a Cold War-esque “arms race” between organizers to host larger and more elaborate events. As June 2014 draws closer, fans and players worry that three major tournaments on consecutive weekends may result in the bankruptcy and mutually assured destruction of all players, fans, and organizations.

Sources confirm that in response to ESL One’s $150,000 prize pool and professional soccer stadium, Major League Gaming is preparing a shuttle mission in order to hold the next MLG event on the surface of Earth’s moon.

“MLG Pro Circuit: Moon will be the first ESPORTS event held off-planet,” said MLG VP and whey protein advocate Adam Apicella. “Fans should bring their own nitrogen pack and LCVG survival gear.”

DreamHack has also announced that their next DreamLeague event will be hosted at an extremely remote fishing village in Sweden, where all attendees will then be transported via rainbow bridge to the mythical realm of Asgard.

“Lunar orbit is probably the only place more in the middle of nowhere than Jönköping,” said DreamHack CEO Robert Ohlen. “So we just took it one realm further.”

DreamHack has met with Asgaard CEO Robert Odin, who assures that the Bifröst can safely transport attendees without harming Yggdrassil. The Norns have consulted the thread of fate and confirm that, as long as jötnar sightings outside Niflheim are properly reported to the æsir, the event will run smoothly.

Critics have expressed concerns regarding player and fan safety in light of interstellar and fictional interdimensional travel. More importantly, competitive balance may be disrupted, as the ultimates of Mirana and Luna extend infinitely when the game is hosted on the lunar server.

In response, Valve Corporation has announced the first ever Dota 2 Scheduling League, a tournament where ESPORTS organisations will battle one another in timetabling their live events. The winner of the D2SL will receive the best calendar dates, more in-game ticket sales, and the right to be immediately overshadowed by The International.

“MLG got first pick in the scheduling league draft,” said ESL One manager James “Kennigit” Lampkin. “But they forgot to ban the next weekend.”