Esports Express

Valve Introduces Ranked Ticketmaster

Valve Corporation has announced plans this week to implement a ranked ticket buying queue in response to TI5 tickets selling out in under six minutes. The new system will take into consideration Dota 2 inventory, bank account, and other factors to determine each fan’s Ticketmaster rating, which is measured in dollars ($) rather than points.

Fans that were unable to obtain tickets can still travel to Seattle and buy a special “ticket chest” in front of Key Arena which has a chance of dropping a day pass. In addition, the TI5 Secret Shop line will be segregated by ticket buying rating.

“Now that I don’t have to stand in line alongside filthy indigents, I can resell things even faster,” said one $7k rated r/Dota2 user Learn2Buy who plans on selling his freshly bought items to people in lesser lines. “Valve might have to create a new $15k line after the first day, just for me.”

Unfortunately, because the TMR of the wealthiest player is displayed to everyone, impoverished low rated teammates often refuse to purchase basic ticket support necessities.

“I always get my items and tickets with Fedex overnight shipping, but I got matched with a noob who couldn’t afford an upgraded courier service,” said one high TMR buyer, who recommended new fans with bad wallet management to read Kevin “Purge” Godec’s ticket buying guide, “Welcome to Finance, You’re Poor.”

Ukrainian caster Vitalii “V1lat” Volochai who had diagnosed the competitive Dota 2 scene with a fatal case of “dead game” has revised his projection now that there is a reason to purchase tickets other than to obtain in-game items.

“Dota 2 shall live for another seven months, so says Vee One Lat,” chanted Volochai while gesturing to his dead game clock, which is modeled after Dota 2’s Rosh Timer. “It’s either seven months or seven years, I can’t tell.”




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