Esports Express

Welcome To Bank Account, You Suck



Bank Account is an easy interval game any valued community moderator can get into — you create an account, and you use it to hold money. The more you accomplish, the more money goes into your account!



Money is a social construct to represent a person’s ability to purchase goods and services. Money is usually necessary to obtain essentials such as food, water, and shelter. If you do not receive such services, you may receive a debuff known as desperation, the symptoms of which include dwelling in the lower levels of a parent’s home, hunger, and writing esports satire. In extreme cases, you may reach a permanent game state, called you fucking die.

Of course, that money needs to come from somewhere. Depending on your background, you can acquire it through match-fixing, promoting pathetically-constructed Patreons, or by teaching a lesson of manners as a older manager. We’ll get into those details later.

Starting Your Bank Account

To start, you should visit a bank. A bank is a institution that pretends to securely store your money, but actually gives it to someone else in the hopes that you do not ask for your money back at the wrong time.

In order to open your bank account, you should have either a small amount of cash, a 3-D model of money, or the momentary promise of established professional gamers just naive enough to prioritize anything other than being paid for their work, and who will leave your team before they remember you owe them anything.

Depositing and Withdrawing Money

You will want to put some of your money into your bank account. This is known as depositing. You may also want to know how to retrieve money from your bank account. This is known as withdrawing. Why, you may ask, should I deposit money if I’m withdrawing it anyways? The answer is

To deposit or withdraw money, click on the teller and indicate that you wish to move some green paper around. If you have a mask and a firearm equipped while performing these actions, you may enter a permanent low priority queue.

Depositing money is important when you wish to receive the prize money that your players worked very hard to earn. Withdrawing money is only truly important when you wish to pay lawyers to defend against said players suing you once they attempt to retrieve any money.


Competently Managing A Team

The first step is to persuade a team’s owner and fans that your unrelated contributions to online communities are equivalent to the financial and logistical experience required to manage a professional athletic group.

Then, enter tournaments and pray you will win based on the individual p̵r͞òẃes͜s o̶f̕ ͜f͜r͢e͏e a͝gents ̴ỳo̡u ha̧ve m͜a͝nag͜ed to͢ s̕e͘͟d̡u҉c͢͜e ͢͡i̡͠ń̵͢t̨o̶̢͞ ͘y͟͡o̡̡͟ùr̀͡ ́́sch̵ȩm̡͟e ͟͞t҉̛h̀ŕou̡̨ǵ͡h̡̛́ ̨́a͡͝͠ ͟w͝a̕͘͞r͠e̴h́o̶͞҉u͡҉s҉e̕͡ ̸̸̶s̶͝tás͘h͏͡ed̨͢ ̀͢wi̷t́h ṕ̸̶̡l̷͞u̡͝҉̧͞s̶̸̛͘͟h̶̨͢i̵̧͏̧͘è̕s̵͞


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