Valve Announces $100 Million Stretch Goal

Valve has announced a special set of “Extended” extended stretch goals for The International 4 tournament in July 2014, which will unlock as the prize pool increases from $11 million to $100 million.

Valve made the announcement through a hermetically sealed box which was strategically placed in the center of an empty parking lot roughly 500 meters away from their corporate office in Bellevue. The box was discovered and translated yesterday by a precognitive Peruvian Dota 2 player who was searching for games in the area.

The contents of the message are as follows:

$11,000,000 – Golden Ticket
Valve will randomly insert 10 golden tickets into compendiums bought for TI4. Any player that finds a golden ticket will win an all-expenses paid trip to TI4 and a tour of the Valve office.

$12,000,000 – Special Closing Ceremonies
Dota 2 lead balance designer Bruno “IceFrog” Carlucci will present the Aegis to the champions of The International 4 at Key Arena in Seattle.

$13,000,000 – Compendium Compendium
Valve will release a special compendium for the TI4 compendium that will gain levels based on how many compendiums purchased along with compendium cosmetics. Users will also be able to play fantasy compendium, where they can predict the final prize pool and the number of yachts Valve will purchase with their profits.

$14,000,000 – EE: Tengoku no kyarī
Valve’s “Free to Play” documentary team will create and produce an animated series based upon the life of Cloud 9 professional player Jacky “EternalEnvy” Mao.

$15,000,000 – League of Legends Game Mode
Valve will hack Riot’s client so that users who queue for this mode will randomly be inserted into a League of Legends match, but will be able to use Dota 2’s hero pool.

$20,000,000 – The International Buyback
Valve will re-run the previous year’s International tournament with the same players, teams, casters, and heroes, broadcast as an undercard event before the main TI4 tournament.

$50,000,000 – Gem of True Fault
Purchasable for 500 gold at the secret shop, the Gem of True Fault will appear in the inventory of a player on the losing team, revealing who is most responsible for that team’s loss. This player will be relegated to the low priority queue for 5 games.

$100,000,000 – Dota 2 Theme Park
Valve will purchase a small island and terraform it into a Dota 2 map where fans can travel and re-enact a game of Dota 2 in real life. The experience will be complete with costumes, weapons, an animatronic Roshan, and helicopters as couriers.