Russian Militants Occupy StarLadder Player Table

Pro-Russian separatists have overwhelmed tournament administrators and seized control of the right-side player table at this year’s StarLadder Seaosn IX Finals in Kiev, Ukraine.

“While that table only occupies 5% of the total venue area, it is critical to our tournament,” said StarLadder.Tv broadcaster and host Vitalii “v1lat” Volochai. “We disapprove of this action by Russian Dota and hope our European and American teams can help defend the area.”

The militants claim that the right-side player table, where Russian teams RoX and Empire will be seated, should be allowed to determine whether it wishes to declare independence from the StarLadder Cybersport Arena in Kiev, Ukraine.

“We will not hesitate to stand up for the seating rights of Russian Dota 2 players,” Russian President and solo-mid only player Vladimir Putin. He added that Russia has no interest in further territories like the right player table or the front row of seats.

Western European players and fans have been historically critical of Russian Dota 2 expansion, often condemning Russian players for their aggression on non-Russian servers.

“When they are on my team I can’t understand them,” said Dota 2 pub player and Elo purist Roadto3k, who presumably was being flamed. “They shouldn’t be diving other countries tables, towers, or servers.”

While Ukrainian team Natus Vincere and 80% of American team Evil Geniuses wished to team fight the separatist militants as they pushed the high ground near the player area, other teams had different ideas.

“I am not sure if we are strong enough to defend the right player table,” said Alliance player and muroidologist Henrik “AdmiralBulldog” Ahnberg. “We should probably split push Moscow instead.”