“Every race deserves clean minerals and safe mining,” said Korean Protoss Ambassador Won “PartinG” Lee Sak, who believes a natural expansion is a basic StarCraft right. “All players should be able to afford an immortal all-in.”
The disastrous effects of the cannon rush have apparently spread to the NA ladder, where over 50% of Zergs are currently walled in and mining in poverty off one base. This has led to the founding of the Protoss humanitarian organization, DTs Without Borders, which aims to combat endemic diseases and provide relief aid within the StarCraft community.
“Blood tests are showing an almost toxic level of sodium chloride among Zerg and Terran fans,” said Marc-Olivier Proulx, or Dr. DesRow. “We’re also diagnosing and treating over 50 new cases of butthurt every day.”
The fragile economies of the Zerg and Terran races, who have been winless in premier events in 2014, rely on manual rather than roboticized labor and can hardly sustain another “Group D” incident without Protoss help.
However, some say the Protoss aid workers have sinister intentions that go beyond simply assisting those in need.
“I saw some of them building pylons on high ground and behind trees,” said one Zerg player who lost his natural to a cannon rush. “They’re hiding probes everywhere.”
President MC insists that the pylons are meant to “warp in additional aid” and will not be used for military purposes.