Dota 2 Players Form “Earth Spirit Anonymous” Support Group

 
In an effort to help deal with rising Earth Spirit addiction among solo queue players, Valve has agreed to help fund the newly-founded support group “Earth Spirit Anonymous” by contributing 20% of non-Earth Spirit related cosmetics.

ESA helps Earth Spirit pickers by introducing them to safe, anonymous environment where they can come to terms with their problem of quickly choosing the most broken hero in the game.

“Hi, my name is [redacted] and I’ve picked Earth Spirit,” said one player as he introduced himself to the group, admitting his MMR skyrocketed as he destroyed other players with his overpowered abilities.

ESA presents a three-step program for ES pickers, colloquially referred to as “stoners”, to overcome their addiction:

 
“We’re at the biggest risk of relapse during losing streaks and when a player’s MMR drops below 3,000,” said Dr. Dwayne D. Johnson, geologist. “These people need more help than starting the game with a force staff can provide.”

An ESA representative acknowledged that most ESA members fail at step #1, instead picking Earth Spirit. ESA provides each member with a sponsor who will party up with at-risk ESA members and abandon the game if he or she fails to pick a different hero.

“The biggest issue with Earth Spirit pickers is the silence,” said r/dota2 user GirthSpearIt. “ES pickers need somewhere to talk about their issues.”

Licensed ESA counselors stress that their members are still people who have hopes, dreams, and feelings which are often dashed by the crippling shame of choosing Earth Spirit and the overwhelming fear that they cannot play harder heroes.

The organization believes their 3-step method and support group are much safer than the FDA-approved Earth Control Pill, which prevents unwanted Earth Spirit picks entirely if taken once a month, but may lead to side effects resulting from sharp MMR decline.