Keith McBrief in Trials to Replace WildTurtle, Badawi, Cloud9

 
With poor performance plaguing the North American scene, it has been revealed that Keith “Yuri ‘Le Toucan’ Jew” McBrief is slated to replace TSM ADC Jason “WildTurtle” Tran, LA Renegades owner Chris “Doombang” Badawi, and all five members of former top NA team Cloud 9.

“Keith is young, hungry, and ready to step up in times of need – for pretty much any organization, really,” TSM owner and vicarious pro player Andy “Reginald” Dinh noted in his initial press release, announcing Keith’s tryouts to replace WildTurtle. “Seriously, I found him in the bushes of TIP’s gaming house, tapping on the glass and making the ‘I’m watching you’ gesture at Apollo.”

“We hope that KEITH’s arrival will not only motivate Turtle to play ADC better, but also to make danker memes,” commented Choi “Locodoco” Yoon-sub. “Since we’ve established an effective media blackout, in order to maintain public relevancy, we need short catchphrases that our fans can process and constantly repeat with little mental effort.”

Artist’s impression: McBrief trialed as Tran’s replacement

 
Team Solomid was not the only organization interested in KEITH. After repeated allegations of attempted poaching from Team Liquid, Riot Games ruled that Chris “Doombang” Badawi is no longer allowed to own or manage an LCS team. Immediately after the ruling was released, the Renegades owner was spotted in a car, eating spaghettios from a can with his bare fingers and crying. He later called an increasingly confused phone sex hotline, asking if he could roleplay luring a young esports professional into leaving his team.

Christopher “MonteCristo” Mykles then announced that Badawi would eventually be replaced by KEITH. TL owner Steve “LiQuiD112” Arhancet and Riot Games have both been quelled by this move, as they are determining whether a person can be punished for poaching himself.

Finally, with the situation growing more and more dire for former top tier team Cloud 9, owner and manager Jack Etienne decided to unofficially replace all five members of Cloud 9 with upstart NA pro player Keith “Yuri Jew” McBrief for a brief test period.

“Etienne’s decision is very unfair to my former teammates and the guy who took my job,” protested former C9 midlaner Hai “Hai” Du Lam. “This wouldn’t be the first time a member of C9 was screwed under the table.”

“This will be the first time I replaced a player with functioning body parts,” admitted Jack Etienne regretfully.

Experts expect McBrief to put in a stellar performance and slowly solve each organisation’s issues, teaching them that they are each truly irreplaceable. Then, before anyone discovers that there has never existed a man named “Yuri Jew,” he will quietly pack his belongings, mount his horse, and ride slowly into the Los Angeles sunset, whispering a farewell “lol” and “fk u all.”