Former Hat Salesman Becomes Greek Finance Minister

Greece’s newly appointed finance minister Yanis Varoufakis unveiled a plan today to solve the country’s many economic problems by applying policies and practices learned while working as an economic analyst for Valve Corporation.

“Dota 2 has prepared me very well for this new job,” said Varoufakis, a high skill 3,000 MMR player whose poor game impact is offset by his healthy average GPM. “I have turned around games with bigger gold deficits than this.”

Highlighting Greece’s established issues with tax evasion, Varoufakis announced that this year Greek citizens would no longer be obligated to pay taxes. Instead, the development and maintenance of infrastructure, as well as the Greek government itself, will now be entirely financed by sales of the recently announced 2015 Greek Citizen ΚοmρεnΔιυm.

“While the recent government reshuffle presents new challenges, we are hoping Greek citizens can help us reach the sovereign debt rating stretch goal,” said newly sworn in Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras, who also resembles the Star Trek character Spock. “Reaching this goal would allow us to put together a very attractive bribery package for the S&P credit rating company.”

Starting in 2015, Greece will hold an event called The Incometaxnational, a two-week state holiday event where the wealthiest citizens of each of Greece’s thirteen administrative regions will be forced to participate in a tax payment competition. Each region’s tax rate for the next five years is then adjusted based on their finish.
 

 
“I really hope Thessaly can win TITN this year,” said one Larissan citizen. “We have a much better chance now that East Macedonia was found guilty of tax fixing.”

Citizens who purchase more ΚοmρεnΔιυms will enjoy benefits like custom food and speciality clothing, as well as receiving the ability to vote on certain referendum topics, like which road or government building receives a remodel. Twenty-five percent of ΚοmρεnΔιυm sales will assist in each respective region’s Incometaxnational standings for the year.

“I hope the event doesn’t tax Twitch’s servers too much,” said one anonymous chat user, who added, “ϰ”.