Dota 2 prepares for “Dramageddon”

Astronomers have confirmed today that the object GT-322 will not pass harmlessly through Dota 2 orbit as previously anticipated and will instead collide with the community as early as this week. Fans and players have braced for what many are calling the “Dota 2 dramageddon.”

Analysts have indicated that when the asteroid hits, the impact will disrupt public games on every server, effectively destroying all of Dota 2. The community has named the rogue object “Techies” and has already seen several precursors to the drama cataclysm this week with the new Na`Vi roster, various distributed denial-of-service attacks, and a character assassination attempt on Toby “TobiWan” Dawson.

“That other stuff is nothing, Techies will obliterate everything in Dota 2 as we know it,” said Dr. Weh S. Yuen, Drama professor at Castor Fiber University. “It’s a disaster!”

The announcement of impending doom has led to widespread panic and a breakdown of basic Dota 2 social services everywhere. The largest streaming service provider, Twitch.tv, has reportedly relocated its offices to a rain forest in Brazil. When asked for comment, a Twitch representative replied only with an index card, delivered via free two-day shipping, that read: “aheuheuhue XDD”.

In addition, popular casting studio joinDOTA has reverted to radio broadcasting for its coverage of the finals of the Megafon Battle Arena, where Team Tinker and Natus Vincere may have competed in anywhere between three to five games of what slideshow viewers described as Dota 2.

“We might all die soon, so get rid of your sense of entitlement with regard to the ‘video’ part of video streaming,” said Jacob “Maelk” Toft-Anderson, former progamer and award winning Venomancer player. “I say this as TobiWan’s boss and aesthetic superior.”

Reports out of Seattle indicate that Valve is planning a Steam-powered shuttle mission to smoke onto the surface of Techies and detonate the drama by drilling a hole and planting a remote mine at its center. The team’s leader is rumored to be Artour “Arteezy” Babaev, the only person to ever have competitive experience playing the hero in Dota 2.

“I can’t believe our fate rests in the hands of someone who built a midas and went 5-27 in an all star match,” said r/Dota2 user BrewsWillismaster. He added, “We fucking lost.”