CIS-Game Dota 2 Visa Conspiracy Uncovered

Anonymous sources have indicated that CIS-Game’s TI4 Visa denial has been linked to a massive US Government conspiracy aimed at bolstering American chances in the $10 million prize pool tournament.

“The US government wants three US teams in the tournament,” said an informant known only as Crystal_Snowden. “With CIS out of the picture, Liquid can join the main TI4 bracket alongside EG and Na’Vi.US as teams with more than one American.”

A recent study has shown that 97.5% of prize pools from American ESPORTS tournaments in StarCraft 2 and League of Legends has left the United States. In fact, South Korea’s thirteenth largest American import in 2013 was ESPORTS prize money, right behind cabbage and plastic surgeons.

In response, the White House has implemented several countermeasures in 2014, some of which may be questionable in legality, in Dota 2 and League of Legends.

“We can neither confirm or deny these Dota 2 rumors,” said one Pentagon official. “Though in LoL, we can only really confirm.”

CIS-Game’s visa denial appears to only be the first step in a long string of difficulties for foreign teams. Swedish Alliance player Henrik “AdmiralBulldog” Ahnberg was reportedly detained for 16 hours at Seattle-Tacoma airport as TSA officials futilely searched his luggage for “dongers,” and Invictus player Wong Hock “Chuan” was unable to board a domestic flight and placed on the TSA’s “No Fly List” simply because he attempted to bring 8.6 liters of apple juice onto the aircraft.

Congress has taken a different approach, introducing a bill in the House of Representatives (H.R.322) titled the Keep American Pros Playing Act that places American players on the endangered species list and regulates “un-American” practices in the game of Dota 2.

“Dota 2’s system of sharing gold for kills and towers is blatantly communist,” said one senator who sponsored the bill.

The Act also includes several modifications to Dota 2 game client: a state regulated shopkeeper tax, a 450% price increase on healing salves, a 2nd amendment exemption of Sniper for the ban stage of the draft, federal mandated malpractice insurance for Witch Doctor, and a “faith-based” alternative ganking kit for Tinker, which includes ability and item renames like March of Angels, Divine Beam of Morality, and Boots of Jesus. Additionally, Tinker’s Heat Seeking Missile is patched to a passive “Rockets of Abstinence” ability that cannot be fired.

“Dota 2 teaches our youth corrupt values, like buying wards to ‘prevent’ ganking,” said one religious education lobbyist. “Wards are not 100% effective against ganks, and we all know that the best way to not get ganked is simply to abstain from laning.”

The bill is scheduled for voting on July 15, 2014, just days before Chinese team presumably wins The International 4.