Esports Express

Dota 2 MMR “just a theory” says Elo creationist


NA SERVER—With the recent introduction of ranked matchmaking to Dota 2, Elo creationists have responded by issuing a server-wide ban on playing ranked matches.

“From now on the North American server players will finally be able to play without deviating from Valve’s intended design,” said steam user OmniPriest. “Who are you to say which heroes we play and not play? All-random only.”

Though many criticize the religious sect’s intolerant practices, those within it remain steadfast in their belief that they have a positive impact on the Dota 2 community. “Feed Those In Need is a charity event,” said one young-ancient Elo creationist. “we do it every game.”

The movement is not without it’s share of critics. “By believing that everything you do in game is based on some higher power like RNG you’re just going to stagnate the play level of the entire server,” said MMR scientist RikiDawkins. “Just look what happened to Dota 1.”

An Elo creationist responded, “These ‘scientists’ think Dota is over 10 years old and ‘evolved’ from some pagan game called WarCraft 3.” He continued, “But there’s so much in Dota 2 that science can’t explain, like why runes spawn top three times in a row or why strength morph goes through chronosphere.”

elo_hellNorth American server players especially are notorious for believing that daily prayers to RNGesus and playing godless modes like Captain’s Mode will damn you eternally to Elo hell. “I don’t believe in MMR,” said one player. “If Arteezy evolved from those Russian pub idiots who flame me all the time, why are they still around on the Russian server?”

“Those scientists should read Jon 8:13,” shouted another player, wearing an Elo Pope hat. “Win a LAN before you talk.”

MMR believers have been known to have problems talking to their more devout party members. “When I told my mom the other day that I was thinking of trying to get verified for NEL, she practically kicked me out of the house,” said one amateur pro. “She said not playing Shadow Fiend mid every game is a choice I can make.”

“These people don’t believe in the Ice Age or the great Blizzard that wiped out Dota 1,” RikiDawkins concluded. “It’s best just to mute them.”

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