Hextech Crafting System Heralds New Age of Confusing Microtransactions

Riot Games is making a bold new step towards improving the player experience with the Hextech Crafting System, a new feature that allows players to unlock new skins, champions, and their personal limits on spending. Critics will applaud the new microtransactions, once they figure out what the fuck this is and how it works.

“We’re delighted to unveil this new Skinner Box system for players,” behaviorist Jeffrey “RiotLyte” Lin said in a statement. “Players will find that learning the complexities and intricacies of Hextech Loot is its most rewarding aspect. Literally. We will reward cold, hard cash to anyone who can explain this system to us.”

Facing the start of Season 6 and unresolved problems with the core gameplay of League of Legends, Riot is focusing on creating a RPG-market based system in the client. This encourages players to spend increasing amounts of their time outside of game as they attempt to decipher the crafting system, decreasing need for core gameplay fixes and features.

“I just want to play a game of League of Legends once in a while, not have to deal with essence savings and keys and crates and gems and webs and cards and — Jesus Christ, why?” /u/PlayAccountDisabled pleaded.

“Our next step is to allow Challenger Series teams to craft their entry into LCS,” said Whalen “RiotMagus” Rozelle. “For every win against another Challenger team, players can earn ‘Sponsor Shards,’ which, when carefully gathered over a period of several years, create a glimmer of hope towards being able to play competitively.”

“We’ve even included cool new Challenger-centric items like [Motivational Carrot on a Stick]!,” Magus added. “With these changes in mind, we’ve lowered the drop rate on LCS teams and made the grinding to LCS experience that much more satisfying once teams finally get promoted.”

At press time, Riot was celebrating successfully pressing the big red “Make Money” button once again.

You can read Riot Games’ unintentionally convoluted explanation of the new crafting system here, or check out our more reliable interpretation here.