European Talent Fleeing to NA, Land of Opportunity

According to sources inside the region, more and more European talent is fleeing the financially strapped region in search of a new life in the New World. The once promising continent is quickly becoming a wasteland, as more and more League of Legends players chase the American dream by signing on with teams that can promise lush salaries, gaming houses, and a cooked potato with every meal.

Reporters are showing heartrending footage of the European scene. One child was spotted searching through piles of discontinued Elements and SK merchandise, before tugging gently on his father’s sleeve and asking, “Papa? May I spend our last ruble on an EU Challenger team?”

His father then shed a few tears and shook his head, saying that the lack of sponsorships for teams and the risk in an unproven roster meant that they would have to use their few remaining resources on necessities, such as food or Koreans.

Arriving on a steam boat under the shadow of the Statue of Liberty, one European import reported to us with tears of joy in his eyes: “It’s fantastic. I was able to skip the line of Syrian refugees and come right in.”

But not all American teams have lifestyles lavish enough to afford them mediocre Tex-Mex or overedited promotional videos. A staff member of Counter Logic Gaming bragged to our reporter that they remembered their European roots, and refused to invest in such indulges as “PR” or “competitive salaries.”

Seung-hoon “Huni” Heo and Yeu-jin “Reignover” Kim are two of the most high profile refugees of this terrible economic system. League of Legends fans are having their hearts wrenched by images of tears running down Huni’s cheeks as he says goodbye to his world class team and resigns himself to attempting to win the consolation prize of the North American LCS.

At press time, Froggen was reportedly panhandling on a Berlin street corner, bearing a sign that read, “mid and feed me, please.” He was last seen wandering the streets of Europe, going door to door and begging passersby if they’d be interested in joining a new and improved superteam.

Just as Lady Liberty’s flame continues to burn into the night, so too does America shelter and feed its European migrants. Perhaps one day in the future, the EU imports will be able to return to Europe, proud, their heads held high, and their pockets lined with American gold. A tough life lies ahead of them in the Melting Pot of Esports, but if they’re willing to work hard, they’ll get their fair share.