Esports Express

MGSV’s Nuclear Disarmament Event to Unlock Even More Cuts to Game Content

For months, leaks of a hidden “nuclear disarmament” cutscene has ignited the optimism of fans of Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, who hoped that successful completion would reveal the much-needed “Chapter 3” of the blockbuster game. However, Konami Digital Entertainment has now revealed that instead of unlocking cut content, the nuclear disarmament event will cut unlocked content.

“Metal Gear Solid V’s plot, as it stands now, is too cohesive and uncontrived, so we’ve decided to cut most of the missions and streamline the plot events,” commented Jay Boor, Director of Public Relations at Konami. “For example, during the first mission, you run over Skull Face and Huey in an ambulance.”

“We plan to eventually cut Missions 2 to 45 and 47 to 50,” added Boor. “This means, as soon as you leave the hospital, you wake up in the same hospital and leave again. It’s like P.T.!”

In response to fan outcry, Konami has reassured fans that the nuclear disarmament event will add some content back to the game.

“We realized too many of our players, and by that I mean almost all of them, weren’t buying MB coins,” Hideki Hayakawa, CEO of Konami stated, “so we’ve added a new feature that expands the omniscience of your most trusted companion, Diamond ‘DD’ Dog, allowing him to detect if you have money you should be buying MB coins with and buy them for you.

“The world calls for MB coins,” Hayakawa added. “No greater good. No just prices.”

In a tribute to executive producer Hideo Kojima, some of his edits will be brought back into the game to appease fans of the developer.

“When we only showed my name at the start of every mission, at the end of every mission, during the opening and closing credits, and even included myself as an in-game character — I knew it wasn’t enough and that the fans wanted more,” stated Kojima. “Because of this, Venom Snake will be joined by his most trusted ally, Fired Hideo ‘Fuck You Konami’ Kojima.”

Furthermore, Konami has decided to release Kojima’s hidden ending for MGSV, which they retrieved by swimming underwater to a secret facility and having to tediously collect key cards. The process was complicated when Kojima lit his entire office and himself on fire, screaming, “I AM NOT A SLUG.”

The ending is a 43-minute cut scene, comprised mainly of Fired Hideo making out with Quiet in a desert. The scene has been described as “extremely graphic,” and Fired Hideo allegedly refers to Quiet as “Stefanie Joosten” several times. The in-game explanation is that Fired Hideo’s saliva kills vocal chord parasites in hot babes.

At the time of writing, Konami has officially announced Kojima’s termination, stating, “You [Kojima] are above even Fired … I hereby award you the title of Big Fired.”

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