Riot Debuts Feel-Good Analysis That All Teams Can Enjoy

 
A new report from Joshua “Jatt” Leesman, Chief Flatterer at Riot Games, shows that the upcoming competition at Worlds will have a feel-good ending that everyone can enjoy — as every team will have conquered their personal hurdles on the way to Paris, and will walk away from the experience a little richer, a little wiser, and a better person and player.

“There’s too much focus on the so-called ‘competitive’ aspect of Worlds,” stammered a sweating Jatt as his glazed eyes scanned his Twitter feed. “Truly, the real competition is between each player and their past selves, as they struggle to be the very best version of themselves. Honestly, we should just give a trophy to whoever improves the most.”

Jatt added, “I mean, we should give a trophy to everyone, haha, y’know, because… because… oh God, please don’t hurt me.”

Riot’s new narrative for Worlds comes after a recent controversy within the League scene, in which many people were outraged that a Riot analyst was not respecting a man named “Balls” and his difficulty playing against random Korean teenagers.

Despite the new inspiring narrative of Worlds — wherein all players enjoy some good old-fashioned League of Legends, sing a few songs with Imagine Dragons, and dance jigs with each other at a happy tea party — there was still some controversy from other experts on the League scene.

“If I can’t analyze League of Legends, why is my job title analyst? We should absolutely look at the pros and — MMFFF, NOOO –” said rogue unhappyman Christopher ‘MonteCristo’ Mykkles, before two burly Rioters from the Ministry of Narrative wrapped arms around the sprightly esports enthusiast and dragged him into an unmarked van.

“Remember to tune in for Worlds! Pick ‘Em just went live, check it out!” the driver called as the vehicle spun around a corner.

In an effort to maintain their positivity, Riot analytics has recommended that Worlds be played out entirely within a hermetically sealed arena, allowing all 16 teams to exist in a quantum superposition in which they have simultaneously won the tournament.