Juggernaut Changes Stave off LCS Player Union

 
Dreading the creation of a protectory organization to shield professional players from industry abuses, esports managers have called on Riot Games to enforce the principles of laissez-faire/Randian/Rapture capitalism. To this end, the developer released its controversial “Juggernaut” balance change, only weeks before the post-LCS roster reshuffling, in order to distract players from unionizing.

A board of current and retired pros had banded together with the aim of creating a legal association to protect players’ rights, including allowing gamers to maintain tenure until the ripe old age of 25; however, nine out of ten players had failed to show for the meeting. One player stated that he was busy, as “there is a fucking dragon shoving my lane, it’s just killing everything, what the fuck?” Another one simply repeated, “Dominion? Dominion? DOMINION?”

The tenth player took a lucrative position at an esports gambling organization.

“Pro players are young and arrogant, and because of that they assume that they are entitled to salaries on time, valid contracts, and a lack of emotional abuse” complained one LCS team owner. “They won’t feel so entitled when they have to learn a whole new set of rotations simply because Skarner exists.”

“We have a lot more exciting plans in the pipeline for when people finally get used to the Beyblade meta, including a champion update coming for Annie,” enthused random Rioter we chose Patrick ‘Scarizard’ Scarborough. “We worked to make her gameplay theme — a small child who is Tibbers, a screaming void of entropy trapped within a stuffed animal and yearning for escape through the cleansing force of flames, and Tibbers is she, both reflecting back and forth upon each other — much clearer.”

He then added,“Because of this, everything she stuns turn into a pillar you can capture for money.”

Scarizard then sat our reporter down to show an exclusive sneak preview of the Syndra champion spotlight. The intrepid reporter has yet to return to Esports Express, on account of trying to figure out the passive/Q/W/R interaction after a thirteenth E proc when the timer is at X:30 seconds, X ∈ Z⁺.

“Being a pro is one of the best professions in the world,” argued one ardent /r/LeagueofLegends user. “I’m not sure why they would need legal protections. I mean sure, they’re reliant for food and housing from their employers, they make a pittance of a salary, they’re young and often tragically inexperienced in legal matters, and they’re desperate to take a shot at the big time, and are sadly willing to sacrifice basic legal liberties to make it happen.”

“But have you seen their girlfriends?” the fan continued. “And they get interviewed on camera! Woah!”

“I am disappointed by the the disregard for the plight of the professional player,” lamented Stephen “Snoopeh” Ellis, leading representative for a players’ union or player advocacy. “Unless we’re talking about the Challenger scene. Then fuck them, get good first.”

At press time, the League community was also starting to cause problems as well, so Riot decided to release an ARG for some new skins.