Sometimes, esports can be so strange and unpredictable that there’s no reliable way to tell what’s going to happen in the next month. Our team of dedicated esports astrologers have studied the subtle motions of the celestial spheres to divine the coming month’s activity.
We are pleased to present the first, and perhaps the only, ESEX Horoscopes.
This month will see the return of a figure from your partner’s past. You thought they were totally over each other, but now it seems like they’re spending a lot of time together again … Is there room in this relationship for all three of you, or will you have to make an ultimatum?
Before you know it, Hi-Rez is releasing another patch for Tribes: Ascend … and you’re starting to feel concerned that it might be more than just a one-time fling. What if they’re totally smitten?
You will continue to read everything you can possibly find about Halo 5’s REQ system. Frightened and confused, you will attempt to return to the Master Chief Collection. You try to pretend that you’re satisfied that they’ve finally fixed multiplayer, at least. When that fails, you will resort to practicing your parkour and clambering skills in preparation for new armour abilities.
You will eventually give up and fall back on endlessly watching the Halo 5 trailer to stoke the flames of your hype.
World of Tanks waxes well within Wargemini, while War Thunder wanes. As a result, you’re at a crossroads in your financial life. Like your other experience with online Russian twins, the twin games WoT and WT are expensive, fickle, demanding, and constantly charging more. At this point, there is only one possible tiebreaker: which company releases the cheaper premium T-72?
You thought you had it under control, it was in remission. You’ve been free of it, but then comes the call from your doctor’s office. “The Grim Patron is back,” he says.
“I thought we got it all.”
“I’d get everyone from the oncology department in here, but it’s already spread to your lymph nodes. I’m sorry.”
You try to sound casual, but there’s a lump in your throat. There’s no hope now, with treatment you could last another two turns…
Leogue of Legends
This month may seem tumultuous. You’ll be walking down the street when suddenly you’ll fail to find your balance, or an innocent playground might use toxic oil sands, or you’ll find yourself subject to any number of worrying trends. At times like these, life’s problems might seem like an unstoppable juggernaut…
Stay humble and don’t stress too much about how things turn out. View life in the context of small problems, and try to solve them one minigame at a time.
After years of silence, you feel as though you’re finally making a connection with your estranged father. He’s making an effort, addressing some of your longstanding issues, and just when you least expected it, you’re really connecting on a level you never imagined possible. He’s even tried to fix those busted old hitboxes he gave you so long ago.
Then he goes and gives Dota 2 another $3 million ….
Wow! Wow! Nice shot!
OMG! What a save! What a save! What a save!
You’re just so lucky this month! You’re meeting all your goals! What luck! Nice shot! Nice shot!
You’re so lucky! You should just play the fuckin’ lottery!
While it is typically considered a time of death and decay, Autumn is a time of regeneration for SC2rpios. You’ve been hurt before, but you’ve grown and changed since then. For some, this will be a great month to rekindle an old flame, while for others there’s an attractive newcomer who you might just be able to settle around with.
You will meet a mysterious masked stranger at the next local who calls himself Falcomaster. He will 4-stock all your friends with superior tech skill. You’ll whisper to him as he leaves: “are you from the future?”
Marvel vs Capricom 3
Another month spent in silent vigilance, waiting to seize the opportunity of Marvel vs Capricom 4.
Defence of the Aquarius 2
While summer can often leave Defence of the Aquarius 2’s feeling drained, it will soon be your time to take centre stage again. Just remember to temper your expectations, or you’ll just guarantee that Frankfurt won’t be a patch on Seattle. You’ll be setting yourself up for a major disappointment!
Rest in Pisces
Pour one out for all your ded gaems. Your fallen esports. Your Kappa comrades, your grey-faced greymen. Maybe they were done-in by the copyright bots; maybe they fought the good fight against the SWAT. Maybe they simply let themselves fade away, grow old — for, who wouldn’t feel outdated when every stream is a game dev peddling wares or a pretty dame peddling bares? Who was Justin, and what does he think of his TV? Maybe he’s dead too. And maybe you’re dead too: for something died the first day you read Twitch chat, and perhaps the rest of you just needed to catch up.