Esports Express

ESEX Tips: Worlds Edition

It’s that time of year – you’re bundling up with a loved one and settling in to watch the world championship. If you’re feeling a little fired up from all of those long, lingering shots of esports’ hottest hunks or the big plays on the global stage, try these tips with your duo buddy.

Give the TSM Position a Whirl
Invite five dashing young gentlemen into bed with you. However, four of them simply stand by and watch, while one awkward, lanky teen makes all the moves. Meanwhile, an Asian man sits in the corner of the room and yells at everyone. The finish is disappointing.

Have Faith
Get incredibly amped up as CLG continues to win games on a global stage. Enter a fugue state in which you honestly believe nothing can go wrong. As soon as they give up a single kill, crumple on the floor and begin wailing uncontrollably. The emotional rollercoaster will pay off big in bed once you’re done going through the stages of grief.

The Team Liquid Foreplay
Enjoy a romantic night in while watching Worlds from home.

Try Using Nicknames
You thought the sex was hot already? Try calling your spicy meatball of a lover “The Unkillable Demon God.” Consider whispering “Clown 9” as you slip beneath the sheets. Throw out a TSM symbol right before you climax.

Try Things KKramer Style
Sometimes you get a little tired of all the fooling around — you just want to get straight to the action. Try dancing back and forth juuust out of reach, until you get covered with sticky webbing and leapt on by five guys. This is one saucy move that’ll really lead to a “mid lane push.”

The GodV
Right before you ejaculate all over your partner, spin around 180 degrees and spray it in the opposite direction. This tangy twist on a classic will keep your partners guessing.

Dance the Masochism Tango
Stubbornly root for your dying, faltering team. Pretend that they’re still at their pre-Worlds zenith, rather than their post-Korea-scrim slump. When they inevitably sandbag, enjoy that potpourri of emotions: feigned surprise overlaid on an underlying sense of inevitable dread. BDSM? More like Be TSM.

Shower, Use Deodorant

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