Riot Report Reveals Alarming Effects of Sandbox Mode

 
The inaugural edition of Riot Pls, a quarterly periodical dedicated to League of Legends’ developmentally-challenged technology, sparked fires in the League of Legends community for announcing that Riot will refuse to work on replays and sandbox mode, two of the most desired tools for players of the game.

Riot Scuttlechris was initially in charge of addressing criticism, but he later disappeared after unknown parties looked to collect on his tech debt. When illogical arguments from his understudy Pwyff failed to placate the community — curious that it would fail now — Riot finally admitted that it refuses to release the mode due to fears over players safety. To support its claims, Riot published classified documents revealing the psychological and physiological dangers of releasing a League of Legends Sandbox Mode to the average player.

In a classified experiment, Riot had distributed test versions of Sandbox Mode to 127 trial players. Just a day later, only 14 players were considered alive medically, and none were left fully-functioning. Attempts were made to keep the project running, but all failed once finance discovered that such a service would generate no RP.

Players exposed to the deadly Sandbox serum exhibited the following characteristics.

• One hour: Subjects exhibit complete mastery of League of Legends

• One hour 30 minutes: Subjects play high level Dota 2

• Three hours: Subjects achieve rank of Grandmaster in chess

• Four hours: Subjects draft groundbreaking papers in theoretical quantum geometries in between loading screens

• Five hours: Subjects begin reciting James Joyce in Latin as if poorly-translated from earlier Etruscan text

• Six hours: Subjects spontaneously form telepathic hive mind

• Seven hours: Subjects transformed into blue, wizened children; receive mind-shattering headaches and uncontrollable psychic powers

• Eight hours: Subjects’ consciousness leaves their bodies, ascends to astral plane

• Nine hours: Subjects finally “get” David Lynch’s Eraserhead

“I’m seeing things, doctor! σαπρός μίμημα!” wailed Test Subject 11, nicknamed “Game-Pro,” at hour fifteen as he repeatedly and uncontrollably practiced Alistar combos. “Please, remove the option to engage in directed, focused, practice at a game I enjoy before it’s too late!”

Alongside safety concerns, Budget Director and Director of Esports Whalen “Riot Magus” Rozelle allegedly pushed for the obsoletion of the Sandbox program. Magus was concerned about violating, in Riot’s contract with LCS players, a clause that guarantees job security by hindering the advancement of amateurs seeking to improve at the game.

In a statement issued today, Riot has announced that it will yield to community pressure and add a watered-down Sandbox Mode, known as Daycare Mode, to League of Legends. To this end, the clicking the new Daycare Mode button simply delivers players to a random ranked match between the ranks of Bronze V and Silver I.

Riot Banksy, named in honor of the anti-corporate, anti-authoritarian protest artist, had this to say about the new feature:

“We can only hope that this helps to undo the massive reputation damage of the original post. We had hoped to avoid critique by titling our post ‘Riot Pls’ as a little tongue-in-cheek reminder that we’re just one of you! I mean, certainly, we have millions of dollars, dream careers, and someone spoon-feeds me caviar as I draw concept art — but besides that, I’m just a fan like you. Ha ha. Wink.”

As his eyes subtly hardened, he added, “Dank memes, bro?”