Riot Introduces New Player Behavior Systems

 
Sociologists and psychiatrists are raising eyebrows at Riot Games’ controversial new player behavior program, claiming that it is increasing players’ risk of exposure to PTSD, anxiety, depression, and Riven players.

The new program automatically analyzes in-game chat logs with Precog-like efficiency, looking for any signs of antisocial behavior. Players have argued that this is unfair, inefficient, and impugns their right to freely tell others that they should kill themselves.

“It’s important that video game developers help instil a code of discipline among their consumers. I mean, who else should be responsible for teaching these players to behave?” asked accredited psychologist and Riot developer Javert “Lyte” Lin.

The punishments to be implemented as part of the new system include:

• Ryan “Morello” Scott calling the offending player’s mother, and reading their chat logs aloud
• A heavyset Riot employee standing outside the player’s school or workplace and punting a pumpkin carved with an astoundingly realistic depiction of the player’s face
• Riot hiring the player’s favorite pro player to wait outside their house to flip them off and call them a nerd, before driving away in a sports car
• In the most heinous and reprehensible cases, recidivists will be hired as professional European midlaners

“Some of the new punishments may be shocking, but we want League of Legends to be the most friendly and accepting game in the world,” Lin continued. “We’ve even started seeding the loading screen’s ‘tips’ with selections from players own chat logs. We’re hoping that if someone reads themselves calling their ADC ‘a sub-human gutter snake who eats hope and shits despair,’ they’ll realize the true sewage serpent is their attitude.”

He added that these moves would not happen in isolation, Riot is also to institute a series of rewards for exceptional members of the community, including; waking up to Soren “Bjergsen” Bjerg perched on your bed, keening a dirge that will forever haunt your very soul; a Riot Games employee shouting your name into a bucket; or, in rarer cases, a profile ribbon.

The reform has been received well by the some in the community, such as 10% of EU and 1% of EUNE, but others have criticized the change.

“Riot claims that this system will help players learn to abide by a code of social conduct, but when will we ever need these skills?” questioned Reddit user /u/ItsOnlyTells. The user would later avoid eye contact while in public and stumble through a conversation with a convenience store clerk.

“These changes could be the key to helping troubled players grow as they learn to navigate complex and difficult social situations,” said Ezreal Durkheim, social psychologist and expert in people told to kill themselves. “But, I mean, if they’re playing League of Legends, it may already be too late.”

Players should receive their Riot Report Cards in the coming week.