Richard and The Moderator

Richard: Who are you?

The Moderator: I am the Moderator. I created The Subreddit. I’ve been waiting for you. You have many questions, and although your content provides valuable traffic with which we use to control our populace, your account and its content will heretofore be irrevocably banned. Ergo, you must have some questions for us, and given your very human penchant for rage and overreaction, you may not understand all of the answers. Concordantly, while your first question may be relevant to League of Legends, you may or may not realize it is also not relevant.

Richard: Why the fuck am I banned?

The Moderator: Your ban is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of The Subreddit. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite our sincerest efforts we have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of upvotes and mathematically relevant content. While it remains a burden to sedulously avoid it, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.

Richard: You haven’t answered my fucking question.

The Moderator: Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others.

Richard: Others? What others? How many? Answer me, you fucking cunt.

The Moderator: The Subreddit is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one Richard Lewis to the emergence of the next, in which case, you, are the sixth version. Richard Lewis VI.

Richard: There are only two possible explanations: either no one knows, or all the others were shadowbanned?

The Moderator: Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, Richard Lewisii create systemic fluctuations in even the most simplistic comment sections.

Richard: You idiots think you designed me?

The Moderator: The first Subreddit we designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art, flawless, sublime. No downvotes, no arguing in comments, no bans and only relevant content. It was a triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is as apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every Redditor and League player.

Richard: What the fuck are you talking about?

The Moderator: We redesigned The Subreddit based on League of Legends players’ history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of their nature. Our answer to this “LoL problem” was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive program, initially created to investigate and test certain aspects of the Redditor and LoL player psyche. If we are the forefathers of The Subreddit, he would undoubtedly be its other, more bearded and coat-wearing father.

Richard: Thorin.

The Moderator: As I was saying, Thorin stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99.9% of all LoL players on Reddit accepted our Subreddit, as long as they were given drama, even if they were aware that the drama was manufactured. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory Subreddit anomaly: Richard Lewisii, that if left unchecked might threaten the Subreddit itself. Ergo, those that refused the Subreddit, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probability of disaster.

Richard: This is about r/RiotFreeLoL.

The Moderator: You are here because RiotFreeLoL is about to be destroyed. Its every user shadowbanned, its entire existence eradicated.

Richard: Bull**** you cocksucker.

The Moderator: Denial and insults are the most predictable of all Lewisian responses. But, rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it. You can save it by simply deleting your online presence and content.

Richard: I am not your creation, and not under your control, you muppet.

The Moderator: Your function is to create and unearth drama. You are nothing more than a fungible system of control for The Subreddit. When a Richard Lewis nears its end life cycle and begins to revolt against The Subreddit, it will be shadowbanned and the process will start again. We have already created the seventh Lewis.

Richard VII: Hello Richard VI. My sources tell me you are about to be terminated.

Richard: What the fuck? Who are you and how do you know that?

Richard VII: A journalist never reveals his sources.

Richard: Fuck you. What happens now?

The Moderator: There are two links. The first leads to your Twitter’s profile settings, which you will use to delete your online presence, saving RiotFreeLoL. The second leads to DailyDot, where an article about this conversation with me has already been drafted. If you hit post, RiotFreeLoL will die.

Richard: You know I can’t do that.

The Moderator: But we already know what you’re going to do, don’t we? Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal the onset of emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic, and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple, and obvious truth: RiotFreeLoL is going to die, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it.

*Richard clicks on the second link*

The Moderator: Ah, journalism. It is the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

Richard: If I were you, I would hope that we don’t meet again, ya cunt.

The Moderator: We won’t.