League Pros Test Positive for LGBT Injections

Following the findings of Garena Philippines eSports, Riot Games has announced that it is to begin mandatory testing of professional players for the performance enhancing drug “LGBT.” The substance is believed to enhance a player’s ability to play League of Legends, giving them an unfair advantage over their fellow competitors — especially if those competitors are inferior women.

Esports historian Duncan “Thorin” Shields, who has nothing to do with the offensive remarks whatsoever, has been studying the applications of LGBT for years.

“For too long, the world has wondered why Koreans have such an innate advantage in esports. It is now clear that Korean homophobia allows LGBT players to channel their raw sexuality into perfection in esports, all at the relatively low cost of never being able to marry or be socially accepted.”

“I’m not sure why Garena didn’t see this coming. I’ve mentioned before that girlfriends make pros play worse…” stated rising CLG star Yiliang “Doublelift” Peng. “What did people think I meant?”

Unfortunately, Peng would later come under scrutiny when photos surfaced implicating him in a possible LGBT abuse scandal:
 

 
Presented with the above photographs, Doublelift would offer no further commentary than, “Yesterday I made some mistakes with Travis.”

It has since emerged that CLG also had plans to bootcamp in San Francisco, where the team says they look forward to scrimming against the best LGBT teams in the world.

Esports Express reached out to CLG’s long-time rivals, Team SoloMid, for their comment on the unfolding scandal, but a visibly perspiring Andy “Reginald” Dinh excused himself from the interview, stating that he had to focus on the team’s godlike teamwork.