Putin: Axiom will come to DreamHack Moscow, or else

Russian President Vladimir Putin has refuted claims by John “TotalBiscuit” Bain that progaming team Axiom will not attend DreamHack Moscow for safety reasons.

“Axiom’s current government is illegitimate,” said Putin, who also claimed ownership of the gold bases on StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm ladder map Habitation Station for its Russian ties. “Mr. Bain seized power illegally from his wife and we have no choice but to send a Russian-led expeditionary force to the Axiom house in Seoul to investigate.”

ESPORTS geopolitical analysts have indicated that recent unrest in the Ukraine region could lead to a Russian victory in the upcoming DreamHack Moscow, a tournament whose field is currently comprised of 77% Russian players.

Putin has threatened severe sanctions against the Axiom organization if they fail to attend the tournament, as well as issuing a nationwide ban of TotalBiscuit’s 1.7 million subscriber YouTube channel.

Fortunately for Bain, his videos do not heavily feature the three most popular games in Russia: World of Tanks, Counter-Strike, and Dashcam Snap, a mobile phone game where the player attempts to avoid pedestrian insurance fraud by catching perpetrators in the act with a car’s dashboard camera.

In addition, Putin has stated that all Russian progamers will boycott WCS Season 3 America due to the presence of Axiom’s Yang “Alicia” Joon Sik and Kim “Heart” Min Hyuk in its Premiere League.

Bain’s Twitter account was flooded this week by threats from Russian progaming fans, but the British commentator has responded to every one of the thousands of insults, eventually diffusing the angry mob through sheer persistence.