Trump to Run for Lead Hearthstone Designer, Pledges to Make Warsong Commander Great Again

 
Last night, Rumay “Hafu” Palin, author of Going Miracle Rogue: A North American Life, gave a ringing endorsement for controversial Mayor of Value Town Jeffrey “Trump” Shih in his bid to become Lead Designer of Hearthstone. Bored of climbing the ladder, Trump, a legendary player and entertainment mogul, has decided to begin his foray into the direction and creation of Hearthstone cards.

“Are you ready to make Hearthstone great again?” challenged Wang at the rally. “Are you ready to joust for Trump?”

“Ben Brode is a murloc. A murloc can’t be trusted,” Trump alleged in regards to his rival and incumbent designer. “Tremendously low energy designer, huge loser. If you ask me — and you should — anyone who doesn’t pray to RNGesus should be deported. Go play Yugioh, you filthy casuals.”

Trump has generated a huge fan base by harkening back to the Age of Warsong Commander, calling it a simpler time when Hearthstone was truly great. While Trump’s progressive opponents claim that Grim Patron and Warsong Commander suppressed more skillful strategies, Trump prefers to portray them as hard-working, ambitious cards that strengthened the Hearthstone meta.

“We’re going to do a wall; we’re going to create a border. Goblins and gnomes will only come in legally after paying enough mana,” announced Trump in one of his infamous speeches. “It’s going to create jobs. I’m going to create jobs. I’m going to get guards, grim guards. They’re gonna say, ‘Everyone get out of here!’”

“Tens of thousands of bots have Twitch accounts with Cloud 9 flags on them,” claimed Trump at a /r/hearthstone rally. “They’re not coming to the right Twitch channels and lobbies, and if I’m Lead Designer and if MaSsan has brought some, they are leaving. They’re going. They’re gone.”

Recent polls by Reddit show that the newcomer Trump is already head and shoulders above his competitors: apparel entrepreneur and father of 99 sons Sebastian “Forsen” Fors, salt-mine monopolist Andrey “Zoolock is a legitimate strategy” Yanyuk, and bespectacled tycoon Jason “Amaz” Chan..

At the time of writing, Blizzard had noticed that Trump was almost stirring enough discontent to actually force the company to make changes to their game, so they released another expansion pack and vaguely promised another deck slot, instantly resetting community anger.