Esports Express

Are You a Riot Games Megafan? Prove It With This Fun Quiz!

For April Fool’s we’ve decided to create a Quiz about Riot Employees. One of the answers to each of these questions is the definitive right answer, while the other three are cleverly constructed falsehoods. Try to find out which one is the truth!

Are You a Riot Games Megafan? Prove It With This Fun Quiz!

1. RiotSeb showed up on which fun YouTube video game show?

A) Game Grumps

B) #911ConspiracyTheories

C) Hot Pepper Gaming

D) Hot Guys, Tiny Tops

2. How many times has RiotLyte been followed home by a furious fan, looking to exact vengeance over a permabanned account?

A) Three times

B) Four times

C) Twelve Times

D) Only once, until Lyte executed a stunning wrestling maneuver known only as “The Final Elbow”

3. Marc “Tryndamere” Merrill is infamous for only drinking cranberry juice. Why does he love this zesty drink?

A) He believes it gives his urine mythical properties

B) Tryndamere is trying to lead the office in a healthy lifestyle by enjoying a fresh fruity drink

C) He’s trying to lose the five pounds he gained after he went a little crazy at New Years and ate the lab-grown real life Yordle

D) He holds a deep and personal grudge against the cranberry and is trying to exterminate them from the earth, one drink at a time

4. What does Nick Allen do with the fines he collects from pro players?

A) He donates to local charities, as it fills his heart with warmth to see the tangible impact Riot Games can have on the local community

B) He burns the so-called “legal” tender, as currency is useless when not backed by gold

C) He goes down to his local Games Workshop and bets on matches between children, shouting at kids who fail him that they’re a “Commander Crybaby” who run a “loser squad”

D) He treats his mom out to a nice dinner with unlimited soup and salad

6. In 2010, Patrick “Scarizard” Scarborough locked himself in his office for six hours and refused to come out. What was he up to?

A) He claimed to be preparing his mortal shell to become the host to Bel’nizroth the Shadow King, the Daemon of Thirteen Names

B) He was having a really bad trip on acid and just had to get it out of his system

C) His coworkers pranked him by telling him that it was “Solo Thunderdome” day, and there was a huge prize at stake

D) He just really needed a nap

7. In 2014, a lore writer tried to escape. How did Riot get him back inside The Enclosure?

A) They lured him with a juicy, delicious steak

B) He received a call at midnight, stating: “No, seriously, we love your lore ideas. We’re really sorry about any miscommunication in the past. We want to make you Head of Lore and have you write a book for us.”

C) The GAU-8/A Avenger fires 30 x 178 mm cartridges at a rate of 4,200 rounds per minute, with a muzzle velocity of 3,500 ft/s (1,070 m/s)

D) They dug a pit outside Riot HQ and covered it with sticks and leaves, and he totally fell into it like an idiot

8. Riot employees love to pull pranks on each other! What is the craziest prank that ever took place inside Riot HQ?

A) Convincing GypsyLord that he had woken up in an alternate timeline in which there had never been an American Civil War

B) Hiring incredible, lifelike cosplayers of both Diana and Leona to mug IronStylus in the parking lot and call him a nerd

C) Creating the merchandise department

D) Releasing Bard

9. The balance team have a lot of work to do to keep the game competitive and fun! What is a typical lunch for them?

A) A carefully balanced diet

B) A thin, nutrition laden gruel that is released through an elaborate system of pipes every time a new patch notes is released

C) Tears

D) Lore writers who get ideas about their station

10. Why do employees dread late night FaceTime calls from David “Phreak” Turley?

A) He will sing them a haunting dirge about the days of Trinity Force Jungle Lulu

B) He is working on a solo country album that “really showcases the pain he feels inside”

C) He will make unflinching eye contact while applying ever widening circles of lipstick that eventually obscure his features, while asking, “Am I working it? Am I rocking it?”

D) He wants to show you some sick dance moves

11. What percentage of Riot employees have invested their retirement savings in Valve stock?

A) 30%

B) 60%

C) 94%

D) Valve is not a publicly-traded company

12. What is Riot’s favorite painting by French Post-Impressionist painter Henri Rousseau?

A) The Sleeping Gypsy

B) The Football Players

C) In a Tropical Forest Combat of a Tiger and a Buffalo

D) The Repast of the Lion

13. Why is the name of the company “Riot Games,” even though they only have one game?

A) Between 123 champions, 331056 rune combinations, and 67 million players, each match of League of Legends is different enough to be considered its own game!

B) The deal to buy all of DotA’s intellectual property fell through

C) Why is your name “David,” which means “beloved,” when no one in your life has ever given two shits about you? Explain that to me, fuckface. That’s what I fucking thought

D) He prefers to be called “Riot James”

14. Who killed Scarra?

A) Rivington, with a candlestick, in the library

B) Dyrus, with a whip, in the dead horse stables

C) We all killed him, bit by bit, every day

D) The opposing midlaner

15. What did Triggs390 pay to get mentioned in this ESEX article?

A) $5,068.45, tax included

B) His firstborn child, unless he can guess the full names of all five LoL writers by sundown

C) He was hired to kill /u/esportslaw, a version of him from an alternate dimension who had traveled here to restart his law career. He was given an imported VSS Vintorez, one magazine’s worth of ammunition, and a cyanide capsule

D) He had to put on a duck costume and cry through the mouth of the costume, so that it looked like the duck was drooling

16. On a scale of 1-10, with “1” being Czech priest Jan Hus and “10” being Def Leppard drummer Rick “The Thunder God” Allen, how does Riot self-rate?

A) 3

B) 8

C) 10

D) “God is my witness that the things charged against me I never preached. In the same truth of the Gospel which I have written, taught, and preached, drawing upon the sayings and positions of the holy doctors, I am ready to die today.”

17. What happens when CEO Brandon “Ryze” Beck first enters the building?

A) All staff members line up in two straight lines leading to his office. They collectively sing the opera piece “My gallant crew, good morning” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s H.M.S. Pinafore. It is not known ahead of time whether Beck will sing for the Captain or the Chorus of Sailors, but the rest of the Riot staff must sing the part that he does not choose

B) He uses a World-War-2-era flamethrower to clear away any money build-up that appeared overnight, so that the rest of the staff can get inside

C) He puts on special face lotion, so that no one can know that he actually is Ryze

D)An improvisational jazz drummer follows him around for the first two hours of operation, punctuating any and all of his conversations

18. Business Insider’s “25 Best Tech Companies to Work For In 2013” ranked Riot as #4 in the world. What makes Riot such an enjoyable workplace?

A) Spinning television screens hang from the ceilings, playing cheerful soundtracks of 50’s television shows and emitting a flashing smiley face. These TVs have cameras and cannot be turned off

B) Marketing and finance employees are allowed to bully lore writers for their lunch money

C) The desks operate like the spinning tea cups at Disney

D) The Employee of the Month is allowed to receive a free sexual favor from any pro player, hence the 18 and older age limit

Looking for an answer key? You’ve just revealed yourself as a casual scrub. Get out of here. You sicken us. Real Riot fans already know the right answers.

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