Dead Horse Dota 2 Headlines: June 9th

In response to the lengthening gap between the Dota 2 Asia Championships and the release of its stretch goals, the Dota 2 community has this week demanded that the emoticons in question be delivered with base interest rate of The People’s Bank of China (5.1%).

Community Member Still Believes TI5 Compendium Will Not Reach $10 Million

“Valve is artificially inflating their numbers,” said the anonymous r/Dota2 user who remains steadfast in his belief that the TI5 Compendium will never reach the height of last year’s prize pool. “Stretch goals can’t melt stale memes.”

Faceless Rex Courier Confirmed As New Dinosaur in “Jurassic World” Film

Movie-going audiences were outraged when they discovered that only 1 in 250 cinema showings actually featured the dinosaur, whose friendly demeanor not only failed to kill any characters on-screen but happily delivered snacks and drinks to park attendees.

FIFA Announces All Three Non-TI Dota 2 Majors to Be Held in Qatar

FIFA has assured the community that Qatar will build its own servers and all matches will take place on the new sand tileset. Qatari Sheikh Tamim has declared that any DDOS attempts will be effectively blocked by a wall of slaves who will individually sort all incoming packets.

After Gifting Complaints, Valve to Introduce Cosmetic Trusts

In response to complaints about trade and gift restrictions, Valve has enacted a new set of rules for cosmetic items based on common property law in the United States. From now on all gifted cosmetic items are regarded as future interests that vest subject to open with limited possibilities of reverter, where the new class of beneficiaries is limited only to the brothers of the cosmetic item holder. In this instance the remainder of the items will be regarded as a remainder subject to condition precedent. For all other items the remainder will be contingent and thus cannot fully vest at the time of gifting, the exception being Dota 2 lounge bet items, which will be regarded as a shifting executory interest where the possessory interest is contingent on the bet outcome.