ESEX Revised TI5 Stretch Goals

 
Due to complaints about “boring” stretch goals, we’ve revised them to better fit r/Dota2’s preferences.

$1.6 million – COIN CHARMander added as hero

Valve strikes deal with Nintendo. We decided on Charmander because the other two starter Pokemon are a turtle and a rat and we had enough of those in 6.83.

$2 million – CURSOR PACKet Loss Protection

Professional players cannot be DDoS’d.

$2.5 million – ALL STAR VOTE on how many rounds Ar1se and EternaLEnVy fight in a cage match at TI5

Hidden goal at $2.7 million: vote on weapons
Hidden goal at $2.9 million: genuine blood umbrella for front row audience

$3 million – IMMORTAL TREASURE I

All Compendium owners get their hands on new Immortal items when they open their Immortal Treasure I. Increase your Compendium Level to earn additional Immortal Treasures.

$3.5 million – ARCANA VOTE Unlock Pet Effects and Wagering

You win: pet levels up receives new effects.
You lose: opponent steals pet from your inventory.

$4 million – COMPENDIUM EFFI MessaGIES

All Compendium owners will have their effigies placed in opponent’s base at start of game. Each effigy will play an audio message to the enemy player as they pass by it in game.

$4.5 million – PitLOArDING SCREENS

New hero added to game.

$5 million – Custom EMOTICONSumables

Don’t like mangos? Design your own in-game consumables through steam workshop.

• Enchanted Apple: Same as tango but marketed nicer and costs 1000 gold.
• Enchanted Banana: This item’s team immediately slumps after winning TI.
• Enchanted Orange: This item prevents aegis from being denied.
Etc.

$5.5 million – THE INTERNATIONAL HUD SKINny Jeans

All heroes now able to wear custom skinny jeans. All compendium owners receive ten random heroes’ skinny jeans.

$6 million – TAUNT Unlock TREASURE Map

Each game, cosmetic items will be placed in hidden locations on the map. The team that gets first blood will receive a treasure map. Only available in ranked.

$6.5 million – THE WATCHER BELOW Arc WARDen

New hero added to game.

$7 million – IMMORTAL TREASURE II

Everyone receives another batch of new Immortal items with the Immortal Treasure II. Increase your Compendium Level to earn additional Immortal Treasures.

$8 million – DOTA 2 SHORT Adult FILM CONTEST

Nominees for the best videos will be selected by the community through a combination of r/dota2smut rating and YouPorn comments. Videos must contain at least six Dota heroes.

$9 million – Winter WYVERN HATCHLING COURIER Removed

This hero annoying yo.

$10 million – IMMORTAL TREASURE III

Still want more Immortal items? Unlock this goal and everyone receives the Immortal Treasure III. Increase your Compendium Level to earn additional Immortal Treasures.

$11 million – DESERT TERRAIN Siege Tank

New hero added. Name changed from Siege to Wraith. Wait, Wraith is also a unit from StarCraft. OK Wraithranger Tank. Nailed it.

$12 million – MUSICal Chairs PACK at TI5

All teams will play musical chairs for first pick or side in all TI5 matches.

$13 million – ANNOUNCER PACK Global Chat Translation

Automatically translates your messages into the language of the player receiving it.

$14 million – NEW WEATHER EFFECTS:GO with Dota Heroes

New game mode added. Relive the glory days of 6.83 Sniper.

$15 million – SPECIAL AXE IMMORTAL & LONGFORM COMIC Sans Becomes Default Font

Dota becomes a warmer, more pleasant experience in game thanks to the new font’s wacky off-kilter lettering, uneven kerning, and dizzying asymmetry. The combat log will now be displayed in Papyrus.