Team Tinker Begins Slow Process of Americanization

 
Former European professional Dota 2 team Team Tinker has this week begun the arduous process of becoming American citizens in what many see as an attempt to gain access to the North American region’s less competitive qualifiers.The team insists that it has no ulterior motives and that their name and branding doesn’t fit in Europe, as “nothing is more American than a killer robot that constantly rearms.”“I want to become a citizen because I love America, not for the easier TI qualifier,” said Dominic “Black” Reitmeier whose H-2A Visa is currently pending. “Burger football freedom burger eagle burger, dude.”

Reitmeier paused to fire a flag-shaped automatic weapon before adding, “Angels, like our chances to qualify through Europe, are real.”

Team Tinker’s members have already filed the requisite paperwork to have their names and in-game IDs changed to reflect their new nationality:

• John “AmericanPieliedie” Adams
• Dominic “AfricanAmerican” Toretto
• Maximilian [ picture of a car ] Power

Maximilian Power, formerly known as “Qojqva” has already picked up a Ford sponsorship, intending to drive a pickup truck to tournaments.

“With nearly 32 square feet of trunk bed space, I can finally carry my team in real life as well,” said Power. “That’s like, almost 7,248.6 square inches, I think.”

While Sam “BuLba” Sosale and Peter “Waytosexy” Nguyen are already in the NA region, both players have, in a show of solidarity, changed their names to be less disturbingly ethnic:

• Samuel “BraViaRy” Adams
• Peter “Waytosexy” Parker

Waytosexy chose not to change his ID as because being grammatically incorrect while speaking one’s own language was termed “quintessentially American.”