Summit 3 Redemption Campaigns Grow Desperate, Unethical

Many are beginning to question the lengths to which teams are willing to go in their desperate bids to win access to The Summit 3’s LAN finals through the tournament’s “Redemption Vote,” with many teams making more and more desperate promises.

“Akke will take a randomly determined Alliance redemption voter to dinner,” said captain Jonathan “Loda” Berg, who raised an eyebrow, slowly winked, and tipped his hat. “And then maybe more…”

Henrik “AdmiralBulldog” Ahnberg added, “He’s going to have sex with them, if you know what I mean.”

Team Empire has guaranteed that a TS3 Redemption Vote win would allow them to solve the current geopolitical crisis in Eastern Europe, as their team has invaluable experience in mediating between Russian and Ukrainian teammates.

North American team Leviathan has promised, in addition to their always-pick-Pudge vow, to marry every single player and coach of Filipino team Rave in order to secure nonimmigrant K-3 visas so that they can enter the US.

“I am going to marry Jeyo and he’ll have to take my last name and in-game Dota ID,” said Andrew “Jenkins” Jenkins about Rave’s Jio “Jeyo” Madayag, who is Canadian and has never had visa issues. “He will be Jio ‘Jeyo-Jenkins’ Madayag-Jenkins.”

Ninjas in Pyjamas has promised that they will plant a bomb in their Counter-Strike: Global Offensive team’s house, and then livestream their CS:GO team’s efforts to defuse it. Toby “TobiWan” Dawson, a Dota 2 commentator who primarily casts Dota 2, will provide hype commentary.

The ASUS.Polar team has arranged a cage match between the team and a single Russian Arctic polar bear where the players will use blunted ASUS peripherals as weapons.

Not to be outdone, Na`Vi has promised fans that if they win the vote, the team’s roster will not be changed for the next two months.