Esports Express

Team SoloMid Acquires Heroes of Newerth

In what seems to be a hot week for acquisitions, Team SoloMid has announced that they will be welcoming the entirety of Heroes of Newerth to their brand. The press conference was held in an poorly lit basketball gym as an homage to S2’s 2013 HoN Tour Finals, where several top HoN players expressed their excitement that someone is finally paying attention to them.

The seemingly random move appears to be in response to rival team Cloud 9 HyperX’s recent mergers, which include two amateur League of Legends teams, one Smite team, one Dota 2 team, a dakimakura factory, the Oakland Raiders, and a bubble tea shop. Cloud 9 general manager Jack Etienne (praise be unto him*) could not be reached for comment at the time, as he was busy summoning money golems from his floating skyscraper.

Highlights of the leaked TSM-HoN contract include:

  • TSM providing a custom-tailored snuggie for every HoN developer, player, and caster.
  • Construction of new team houses from surplus “TheRainMan Pink” and “Chaox Blue” shirts. Transition housing will be available at The Big Pillow and The Bjergsfort.
  • All professional HoN competitions – including the newly-announced Baylife Invitational – will be streamed from Jason “WildTurtle” Tran’s Twitch stream. This is expected to increase viewer numbers exponentially.

“It’s been a while since our brand has dominated any single eSport,” said TSM owner Andy “Reginald” Dinh. An anonymous source at TSM HQ has reported Dinh staring out his office window, cackling “Let’s see Jack top this!”

* At the time of publication, Cloud 9 has generously brought ESEX into their illustrious, exclusive stable. We will henceforth be renamed as Cloud 9 Hypers Express. In order to maintain the integrity of eSports and avoid a conflict of interest, we will [REDACTED].
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